I have felt that if I got divorced I would have failed in the eyes of so many. But I don’t know if that even matters. In the eyes of my child, I think it would. I wonder why I even care, when I should worry about making me happy.

Do I See It?

Once you said - “you and me together could be a possibility”. These are not exact words, because that moment of happiness shook my world, blurred my vision, and softened my brain. From that moment, it was all I could thinking about. These dreams didn’t seem scary or unachievable at all. I have started planning it all out. It was totally possible - in my head. Soon after, I asked you ”do you really think that?”.  And that’s when I heard “it did cross my mind, but its so complicated…”. These are not exact words and not the full list of excuses, because that moment I blocked it all, I didn’t want to hear “the truth”. I was disappointed.

And then there was our last big city gateway. I asked you to choose. Silly me! A woman should never ask a man to choose!

And then there was a weekend of sadness. Deep sadness. The hardest part was to accept the reality. You are not going to fight for us. You are safe and happy (most of the time) at your current situation. You don’t need me.

You are right - it is way too complicated, way too many people are involved, including the kids, the town is way too small to accept “the news”. We would lose all our mutual friends. We would need to move and share the kids. I hate to bring this up, but could we afford this big change financially? Where would we live? Our dinner topics would include: child support and angry exes. I would constantly worry that you regret leaving your spouse, that you feel guilty breaking your family apart. I would always be anxious and scared that one day you would go back to her.

Your question - where do you see our future?

My answer - I don’t see it right now.

There was a short period of time when I clearly saw us together. Thank you for not choosing me, its for the best.

I know we love each other. Maybe one day we will put our happiness first and our love will be strong enough to handle all the obstacles. Maybe one day you will make love to me, then hug me and whisper - “it’s so worth it, I am so happy with you, baby”.

Goodbyes are not always necessary

I am sure he was relieved, that I didn’t stay for 10 more min in silence crying, because there was nothing else left to say. I could have said “Have a good life”, “I am sorry”, “everything will be ok”, “I will miss you”, “I will always love you..”. None of these phrases make sense in my situation. What I really wanted to say wasn’t what he wanted, so I just shut the door behind me.